Short messages on Positive change from Respect Yourself, the guidance site for young people to help make good decisions in life.
Encourage your inner mentor with simple exercises like keeping a “have done” list (as opposed to a “to do” list), taking time each week to reflect on positive experiences, new opportunities, things you feel proud of, and lessons learned.
Your inner mentor shows you things you can improve, in a very different tone to your inner critic. They balance constructive criticism with acknowledging everything you’re getting right, asking open questions like “How could you approach that differently in the future?”
Your inner critic highlights all the things you’re doing wrong, usually with a big helping of shame and judgement on the side. You can learn to turn down the volume on this part of your internal dialogue and turn up the volume on your “inner mentor”.
When you find yourself thinking “not good enough” thoughts, stop and ask yourself: Who do I want to be today? Show up in your life as a creator, not as a victim, with compassion, not judgment, calmly and wholeheartedly rather than fighting an internal war.
While many of us place a lot of worth on external achievement, there are many variables beyond our control that influence the outcome of a situation. Even if we do our best and do everything right, we might still feel “not good enough” because those external variables mean we didn’t get the gold star.
Others have different ideas about what “good enough” means and looks like, but you have no control over that. There will always be someone who is more talented, more accomplished, more X and more Y than you are. The only person it’s helpful for you to compare yourself to is the “you” from yesterday.
If you try something and it doesn’t work out, it might feel painful in the short-term, but you’ll feel much better and prouder of yourself looking back and knowing you’ve tried, than looking back at a missed opportunity.
When you think that something has to go exactly to plan or it’s a total failure, you’re less likely to try things, less open to feedback that will help you improve, and less likely to grow.
Focus on “getting better” at something rather than “being perfect” at something. Instead of tying our self-worth to achievement and seeing ourselves either as a success or a failure, understand that skills, capability and achievement are things we can influence with our beliefs and behaviour.
Telling yourself something needs to be perfect to be “good enough” sets yourself up for failure. “Good enough” exists on a spectrum, influenced by the situation, the context and other things that are happening in life, as well as your well-being, values, and priorities.