Short messages on Relationships issues from Respect Yourself, the guidance site for young people to help make good decisions in life.
Even if your friend and significant other have one thing in common (you), they can still be totally different people with different tastes, interests and senses of humour. Having to spend time with someone you didn’t choose to hang out with can be difficult.
Have options ready if a negotiation fails. Show them you’re looking for a win-win outcome by satisfying their basic interests too. It’s sometimes better to agree to less than you both wanted collectively to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship in the long run.
To negotiate effectively, be assertive. Have options. Seek a win-win outcome. Recognise that if someone wants to negotiate, you both have something the other needs. Be assertive in asking for what you want.
Ask questions that could lead to interesting answers. Keep your questions open-ended, which cannot be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Let your questions come from a place of genuine curiosity. Consider how others can benefit from the answers.
Using the phrase “just get over it” means someone’s feelings are being ignored. As well as not working, it will harm them and stop them sharing their feelings in the future.
Deal with situations as they arise instead of logging them all in a black book that you pull out later to use as evidence against someone. If there’s an argument, fight or issue, resolve issues as they happen instead of letting a debt build up.
Your friend may not get along with your girlfriend/boyfriend because of a personality clash, they may feel excluded, or they may be mistrustful of your partner.
When your friend and your girlfriend/boyfriend don’t get along, it can cause tension and conflict between all involved. You might feel like creating a distance, taking sides or making your friend pick a side. This can hurt feelings and make the person in the middle feel even more torn.
To be a better communicator, don’t try to be the person with all the right answers – be the one who asks all the right questions. When you ask great questions, you show that you’re eager to engage and open to exploring more into the topic.
Offering reconciliation in conflict can be more important than actually coming to a solution; it shows the person how much you value the relationship. Clearly and calmly communicate what you want from the situation and listen to their views. Understand what counts as a ‘win’ from both sides.